I sit. I wait. I watch. I cry.

I don't know why I didn't post this at the time. I think this was an excellent snapshot into my head at the time. I publish now because this blog is catharsis and this is cathartic.

I lost a friend today. I've never had to do that. I've never known the loss of a friend. I've known heartbreak and betrayal...growing older & moving on...but never...

I sit, I wait, I watch.
I feel. I hurt. I cry.

I live. I love.
And it all ends the same.

I've lost 5 family members in the past 3 years. One of them was 18 years old. One was the oldest person I can remember. The uncle that knew I loved him, the one that made me smile. The one that loved the way he should've...for what?

“Dear Lord, You done took so many of my people, I'm just wondering why
You haven't taken my life? Like, what the hell am I doin' right?” – “My Life” The Game feat. Lil Wayne.

I lost love…too many times to remember. Some I’ve pushed away, some have pushed me away; but I still try to find love. I feel so empty and alone – as I’ve said before:

“Know that since you've been gone away from me that my insides feel lonely. That I've tried to fill the void - NOT with meaningless sex - with people that can make a part of me feel whole. Do you know what that's like? Finding certain pieces of yourself in others, when, at one point, you lost your ENTIRE self in one person. Fragments of emotions in a sea of friendly faces. That's all I have now.”

I’ve lost friends…some that I’ve truly missed, others that still pop in from time-to-time, most will continue walking on their road – and ours will intersect again.

The most recent hurt a lot. And what’s worse? I won’t hear the explanation. I honestly feel like I let too many people in too close, and this is why I get hurt all the time.

All this at a major crossroad junction in my life.

Nothing’s ever okay. SNAFU – Situation Normal: All FUCKED UP – don’t you get it? I, also, want someone to hold my hand and tell me things are going to be okay. But they won’t; and I’ve dealt with that.

“Lookin' to find a way thru the day,
A light for the night.”

I want it to be better; I want to know that I’ll make it out of this one…this time. I want to know that I’ll live to see my kids, my grandkids, their kids…I don’t. I can’t see that…why is that? I want to.

I’ve met my daughter, in a dream. She’s me, I feel it; she’s love, like nothing I’ve ever felt before; she waits for me, and I know I’ll see her one day…crazy, huh?